Friday, August 12, 2011
hmm. i'm back here again hahaha after like almost 1 year of hiatus?! haha i guess i have to stop doing something for a while before i realise how much i miss it. haha (: anw this is gonna be a good place for me to clear my head and stuff (: same as last time! just that this is gonna be a strictly mature thingy, no more stupid lame old childish commentaries on my life anymore haha, well maybe just the bigger issues la (: haha i just read my archives AGAIN haha (for the umpteenth time, yes i dunno why i love doing that so much omggg HAHA) and yeah i was some lame childish shit omg. haha but from now on, no more!! :D
a lot of things has happened in the past year, and i don't think i wanna type everything down haha, but let's just say it's possibly been the worst year of my life haha. and i'm so afraid i'm gonna lose myself or something cos it's a really crazy place out there. D: well hopefully blogging might help me retain some bits of my soul la haha (: so i won't ever forget who i really am (:
mmm and well this is possibly one of the lowest points in my life already, but well, what doesn't kill you makes you tougher right? (: haha :D i guess i've prob gotten much tougher over the past year anyway (: and i've prob changed in many ways too haha (: aside from the more negative things (like being super averse to loving someone again, or being super skeptical towards my faith) i think i've matured and become a slightly more independent person (: slightly only omggg but oh wells, baby step! :D
i think i really need to learn how to let go though. even until this day, i truly deeply regret my choice that got me to where i am today. i really still feel i shouldn't be here sigh D: who the hell gives up CALTECH and like a good scholarship D: srsly )): and i KNOW i'll definitely excel in engineeing. it's sooo my type of thing srsly. calculations and analyzing and critical thinking omg. (: but now i'm stuck here with loads of things to memorise, and loads of failures and setbacks to marr my previously pristine and glowing record. wts.
just now out of curiosity i googled my name and top on the list was the RJ roll of honour (: haha well it's nice to see some concrete proof that the intelligent brainiac in me did exist (: even if i know deep down that i've already lost my numerical prowess and engineering and physics knowledge, all my credentials still stand to prove that i did have some moments of brilliance back then, and that i was awesome and i was somebody. maybe i'm nobody here, but hey, it's unfair to expect me to be a somebody in a place that i was never meant to be in anyway (:
no one around here knows me, the math-and-science-loving girl, the top for german in the school, the math olympiad medalist, straight A student, scholarship recipient, almost-caltech student. here i'm just an average girl, lousy at what i do now. the feeling sucks sometimes. ): not that i crave glory or recognition or what, but it is nice to be seen for who you really are. and not some person who somehow just can't manage to show her best side in this place because she's just NOT cut out to be here. and well i'm sorry to say this but i do really like the feeling of being good at everything, and for the past year i've just been lousy and it sucks to hear people talk about others like they're so smart, but seriously, i'm damn good at other things too ain't I? you all just don't know about it, i'm not really as worthless as i seem ok.
sigh so angsty. i've become so negative recently oh gosh i kinda hate myself sometimes. last time i was such a cheery optimistic person but i guess all that changed along the way. D: i hate the current me omg, i'd give anything to turn back the clock now and go back to the past, reset my life in the correct direction i should have taken. but i can't do that, so well, what to do? haha life goes on, and all i can do now is to make the most of it (: i'm gonna try my best in school and continue to be the the best i can be. even if anal-ness and perfectionism is not a part of me, i'm gonna make it a part of me. (:
but putting all these negative things aside, i'd like to say that i'm just so happy that in this 1 year, my friendships have only grown stronger and i'm so grateful for that (: without the emotional and moral support from you awesome friends who have constantly stood by me, i'm not sure if i could have made it through those long dreary demoralising days (: so thank you friends haha ((: i'm glad we haven't drifted and i'm so so happy that you've all stayed the same and remained true to yourself, unlike how some others have changed beyond recognition upon entering a different phase in their lives (: and i hope that even if you all do change some day, it will be in a good way, but the values you all hold dear will never get eroded away (:
and ok that's it for now i guess haha i gotta go mug for tests haha :D till next time! (:
